Are You Unsure of Your Parenting Skills?
“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”
– Kahlil Gibran, 20th Century Lebanese poet.
Do your children continually present you with challenges that leave you feeling lost or overwhelmed? Would you like to improve your connection with your child? Perhaps you regularly feel frustrated or uncertain about how to properly discipline or reward your children. It may be that you have noticed a change in your child’s demeanor and feel worried and unsure how best to respond. Do you sometimes feel shocked, frustrated and/or embarrassed by your child’s misbehavior, and are unsure how to react? Or, are you going through a tough time personally and worrying that you’re not parenting as well as you want to and/or could be? Do you struggle to keep all the balls in the air while juggling your work and home life? Do you wish you had a trusted guide to help you through challenges and to feel more confident, capable and empowered as a parent?
Feeling unsupported and lacking emotional control as a parent can be a troubling, exhausting and confusing experience. It may be that you are unsure if your child is reaching developmental milestones or is on track socially or academically. Maybe you’ve recently gone through a separation or divorce and worry that instability is negatively affecting your kids’ sense of wellbeing. Parenting books may be overwhelming and conflicting, or may offer a less connected, less attached parenting approach than what you feel, in your heart, you want to provide for your children. Perhaps you need help formulating and applying a parenting plan so that you and your ex-partner can co-parent consistently as your kids move between homes. It may be that you are struggling to know how best to walk beside your child through the confusing teenage years. Your children may have widely differing personalities and interests, causing you to wonder how to parent consistently and fairly. Do you worry that you’ll never feel like a good parent?
“You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.”
– Khalil Gibran
Parenting Is Unchartered Territory
In previous generations, parents were arguably less concerned about the emotional wellbeing of their children. There was less emphasis on parenting styles, and a harsher approach, one that often relied on force, punishment, or parental dominance, was the norm. Today’s parents grapple with their desire to be empathic and attuned to their children, perhaps because research has shown that higher levels of nurturing leads to more resilient and optimal psychological wellbeing in children. However, parents sometimes struggle with setting and maintaining limits while garnering respect and cooperation, and may have difficulty motivating children through establishing a strong, loving connection.
A pitfall for many parents is that each partner may have conflicting child-rearing approaches, which can create ongoing tensions. Your parenting partner may prefer a more authoritative approach, while you may tilt towards being more permissive. Additionally, when grandparents or other well-meaning people offer their opinions, sticking to your own parenting decisions can become increasingly difficult. Parents are also frequently influenced by their own upbringings, motivated by a desire to parent in either a similar or completely opposite way to how they were raised. Seeing friends’ and siblings’ struggles, listening to teachers’ suggestions and the latest theories in the media can also add to the mixed messages many parents face. On top of this, our children require different responses from us as they grow and change. How we respond to our infant will be different from how we respond to our toddler; how we respond to our grade-schooler will be different than how we respond to our teenager. In addition, each child is different, with different temperaments, needs, concerns, strengths and talents. It can be incredibly difficult for parents to discern how best to nurture each child, especially when children compete for attention.
Parenting requires specialized knowledge, especially when a child has additional emotional and/or cognitive concerns. For example, it takes more resources to help your kid with ADHD or your child who is prone to temper tantrums. Trying to meet everyone’s needs often feels a continual balancing act, like walking a tightrope.
The good news is that there is hope and help is available. An experienced, skilled therapist can help you learn to be responsive, attuned and receptive to your child’s needs, while also setting limits and accepting that frustration – including temper tantrums – can still be part of the process. Perhaps there is no better time to reach out for coaching than during your parenting years. With help and support, you can embark on a plan of action that can help you parent consistently and effectively, setting your kids up for successful, happy lives. Along with your children becoming happier and emotionally healthier, you may benefit as well – gaining in self-discovery about your own temperament and personality traits, seeing connections between yourself as a child and the struggles your children have, and in learning new skills and strategies for your own personal growth.
Parent Coaching Can Provide You With Support, Skills And Relief
The conflict between keeping your children close and giving them space, being responsive and letting your kids figure things out for themselves, is one of the most challenging dilemmas facing all parents. Working together, we can help you figure out who you are as a parent and what your family needs, which can make a huge difference in your confidence and skillset. You can reduce spousal conflict and relax knowing that you are giving your children the specific support and guidance that they need and will benefit most from.
In the comfortable, safe space of my office, as well as through phone or video calling, you can gain new strategies and insight into yourself and your children’s personalities, strengths and weaknesses. My office is designed so that your children can even sit in the waiting room while you (and your spouse/co-parent) work with me in the next room, so there’s no need for the additional stress of hiring a babysitter. Drawing from effective approaches and techniques, such as active listening, Buttons tools (from Bonnie Harris’ Connective Parenting approach), cognitive behavioral skills (CBT) and mindfulness strategies, you can deepen your parent-child connection, while also strengthening your child’s inner resilience. You’ll learn what is at the root of your child’s behavior and how best to help your child reach his or her full potential. Through parent coaching, I can help you reduce stress and increase your sense of effectiveness and confidence. In just a few short sessions, and by applying what you’ve learned to your day-to-day interactions with your children, you will likely notice visible improvements in your child’s behavior and your family’s overall sense of wellbeing. Throughout the therapy process, I’ll also help you grow in compassion for yourself, your spouse and/or co-parent and even your own family of origin.
As a parent of three grown-up children, I understand the complexity of parenting and can identify with your experience. I am a compassionate, active listener and, together, we will devise a parenting therapy strategy that best supports and addresses your unique family situation. We will work to eliminate doubts, co-parenting tension or conflict and increase your sense self-worth and acceptance. Very often, in looking at areas where you feel you are stumbling, we will unearth blockages from your childhood that can be healed, as you learn new ways to emotionally respond to your children. I believe that our children are our greatest teachers – and by examining painful or confusing interactions you may be having with your kids, we can help you identify and learn from your own childhood struggles.
In my more than 25 years of experience, I have witnessed many families progress to a place of renewal and regeneration, where they are able to lead lives filled with hope, fun and purpose. By investing time into your family now, it is possible to feel more confident, comfortable and joyful as a parent.
These years fly by, and sooner than you can imagine, your children will be in their 20’s! No matter who they become or where they live, the journey you are on with them continues and the forever relationship you share with them lasts a lifetime. I so deeply believe in the words that Gibran composed almost 100 years ago, that I want to repeat his poem, “On Children,” in its entirety below:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
You still may have questions and concerns about parent coaching…
My spouse/co-parent is unwilling to come in for parent coaching.
Research shows that parents who come to therapy together have greater success in communicating a clear and constructive message to their children. Therefore, I always encourage parents to seek coaching as a cohesive team. However, if your partner/ex-partner is unwilling, then it’s also quite beneficial to come on your own. There is a lot you can explore and learn that can improve the dynamics of your family. In fact, reluctant co-parents often change their mind when they see the positive impact that family therapy can have on their children’s development, behavior and sense of wellbeing.
Maybe I should just read a parenting book?
Parenting books can be excellent early resources and, if you’re interested, there are many I can recommend for additional study. However, books are general guides; they are not tailored to your family’s unique situation and specific needs. A book alone is not enough to solve your family challenges, many of which will have been created over long periods of time. However, an experienced therapist can effectively assess your situation, creating a specific plan that helps you to change patterns of behavior for the better. Plus, in the middle of these busy parenting years, who has time to sit down and read a book?! Even taking the time to read a blog can be tough. This is where I can be of help, because I can provide you with up-to-date knowledge and strategies that you can’t find the time to research or learn on your own.
Maybe if I give my child/teen more space, our relationship/situation will get better.
When family dynamics suffer during trying times, one or both parents may believe that spending less time with children or together as a family might reduce tension and allow problems to heal by themselves. However, research actually indicates that children require more attention from their parents as they age, not less. While giving your children space may bring short-term relief, distancing yourself, if not done skillfully, can exacerbate challenges in the long run. Alternatively, parent counseling can help you tackle challenges head on and repair and strengthen connections with your children.
You Can Parent With Confidence
If you’re ready to feel more secure and confident as a parent, I can help. Through Skype, FaceTime, phone and/or office visits, I will listen to your unique situation and design a parenting strategy to help you establish and maintain a mutually respectful and cooperative relationship with your children, allowing you to relax more and enjoy your time together.
Call 203-438-8602 or email kwalant@gmail.com today for a free 15-minute phone consultation. I’m happy to answer any questions you have about parent coaching and my practice.